6:25am

The rest are asleep, Ann on my bed and the others on the sofas. I have unpacked my things and installed the lights and I am tired, but there's something to pen down. I watched the rest drink and felt glad to be the sober one noticing their needs just now.

I don't like getting drunk and sleepy (therefore uninvolved) and I don't like big groups. There is one thing from today I will remember from today; not the silly entertaining staggering guys or flushed faces you can find during every drinking session anyway, but what z said before I left the room. That I say yes too easily, often give that 'blur' face, and the rest can be elaborated on with ease. I need more 'character'. I need to be more careful. It's like having the very reason why I'm so troubled lately right in front of my face. I appreciate the honesty.

My birthday letter with the words "you have to be more grounded" hinted slightly to the plain fact that I can't say no. Now I fully get it. My lack of commitment to things, how I flit around different people. Not being able to say no when someone new asks me out even though i'm with another group of people, letting them say whatever they want. Not that I was like that all throughout the first two months of my university life - i just somehow lost the need to let others know who I am and what I'm thinking. and slowly forgot what are the things I want as well. It feels as though nobody knows who I really am. Anything goes.

Anything goes. I don't know if it's that I'm accepting or that there are too many things I can't be bothered to make a stand about (i have to know what i want and the rest don't). But whatever it is, I just don't make my stand known. Like it's okay to do things I've never wanted to do, to let them post rubbish on my fb wall (ok honestly it's quite amusing). Is it? I hate letting them know who I am and telling them what I want. It makes me feel selfish and self centered. Also because I hate missing out on things and being left out if I don't join any programmes.

And then there are the kinds of people I am more inclined to talking to. There are the nice, easy going, soft spoken kind (that can be thinkers) I'm not compelled to speak to no matter what. And the opposite kind of people I talk to/want to be. Sadly people think I fall into the first category. I should speak more. But I don't want to get things my way, and I don't want to speak.

So tired. Leave the rest for another day. Thanks z for saying that.

6:58 am